It took me weeks to finally decide and obey what my heart has been telling me to do. Though my heart is ready, my mind in contrast cannot express the hidden strings of my heart.
I can feel it, but I can not write it. Perhaps not all things can be expressed through writing.
I'd say I have enough memories of her not only in my mind, for some of then had led directly to my heart. Yeah. Some of them have hurt me, still I do not regret, for in those pains I can see some marks, living marks that can never be erased and would forever be in my heart.
I never thought of the possibility that we could be of what they are now, no I never thought of that. Not only once I thought we could never be like what couples usually do. We're friends and just like that, until I suddenly realized something that I never thought would happen to me.
I don't know, I was never that attracted to her (well not with the way she looks, she's beautiful I mean.) neither was in my mind the possibility that I would fall.
I was not really sure at that time, one thing that's for sure is that I love the coincident time we've spent together, the time that the world had given us, the time I use to recall up to this days.
The euphoria of missing her.
I never thought that those would eventually lead into something much more to what I call friendship. She never knows that, but I do, and at a certain point I was sure. She made me realize different things that I perhaps do not believe into, she gave this something that whenever each day pass makes me confident and makes her the best thing that my eyes could see.
With her I can see a different side of me, a better part of me. (Sounds like a song. LOL)
That night when I finally told her, I thought was the best day of my life, the angst, the butterflies and the energy within my self blurted out. At least in that way I have expressed the feelings that I have long been keeping. She never replied back. No she didn’t the only words that I received is goodnight I don't know what that means but that means a lot to me though I know she had a commitment with somebody else.
I know I couldn't have her, that wouldn't be that easy if I would and I know she doesn't love me and I have expected that.
From that day on, Being casual wasn’t considered normal and I think she feels the same way. For sometime she did not reply to my text, and then the sometimes become days until into months. I would never blame her she had a commitment, and I think she is happy about it. On a lighter side I'd say I'm happy about her too, at least she's happy--it's just not with me.
I continue to convince myself to forget her, but with all honesty I don't I keep on remembering her. I'd be a liar if I say I don't love her anymore.
I do still love her.
Every time that I see her pictures together with him there's a pinch and punch of hurting in my heart. Honestly, I feel jealousy and Pity.
I tried to avoid the things that would make feel sentimentally connected to her. Just to avoid my self from hatred and pity.
I just try to remember the text she gave me of which to her I can say do not have a double implication, but to me is a cure to my incompleteness. "If u wana end up w/d ryt 1 u've gotta make it happen. D best ones are alwys taken, if u don't steal them, u won't hav them!' just like that text I had never been erased in my inbox, perhaps i would still continue loving her, and perhaps would still continue to wait..
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